The moment our intention is to take ‘love’, the natural energy of love becomes distorted and our heart fills with fear. The fear that we will not be enough or good enough to ‘deserve’ it, the fear that we may not be worthy of their love, the fear that we won’t know how to keep it if we do obtain it and the fear that we or them or both won’t live up to the expectations or the fantasy we created in our mind.
I am personally guilty of having a (very) high expectations and building unrealistic, romantic castles in the air. No wonder I came crashing down to Earth.
And yes, I've finally bid goodbye to my boyfriend.
Saturday, 13 August 2011
Degrees of Attachment & Infatuation
Love becomes unreal and stifled when is attached. Attachment is a relationship we have with someone or something which we have created in our imagination. When we become emotionally involved with someone our mind and our thoughts are coloured by the memories of their behaviour.
We remember everything about them; how they smile, how they walk or drive, what they say and how they say it. This process distorts the energy of our heart. We become infatuated or obsessed or both. We desperately need reassurance from the outside that we are worthy of love; that we deserve it. This illusion that love can only be obtained in the outside world makes us turn our world topsy-turvy.
We remember everything about them; how they smile, how they walk or drive, what they say and how they say it. This process distorts the energy of our heart. We become infatuated or obsessed or both. We desperately need reassurance from the outside that we are worthy of love; that we deserve it. This illusion that love can only be obtained in the outside world makes us turn our world topsy-turvy.
A Zone of Darkness
How many of us feel that by ‘getting’ who or what we want will fulfil our need for love? Once the ‘getting’ is accomplished we enter the zone of darkness. Instead of living in the light of love we live in the darkness of fear. We ‘attach’ ourselves to love in order to preserve, safeguard or keep the love we acquired.
This is the only way we are able to experience the feeling of love. But can fear of a loss of love live in the same space and time as true and real love? Can we call it love if we attach conditions to it at the same time? Is love just an illusion? An unreal state of being able to exist or survive only if certain conditions are assign to it? Is love worthy only if we have to work for it?
This is the only way we are able to experience the feeling of love. But can fear of a loss of love live in the same space and time as true and real love? Can we call it love if we attach conditions to it at the same time? Is love just an illusion? An unreal state of being able to exist or survive only if certain conditions are assign to it? Is love worthy only if we have to work for it?
Romantic Relationships Myth
There is a prevailing myth of romantic love (mostly fed to us by the media and entertainment industry) that love is ‘attachment with the one’ or ‘exclusive with the one’.
And yet, the moment we become attached to anyone or anything, our natural energy which is love becomes distorted and replaced with feelings of fear that we now may lose love we ‘acquired’ or that we may not be worthy of that love. If we perceive a love as being lost, we experience the feelings of sadness, misery and anger.
This idea that we can have the ‘true love’ only if we work for it, if we ‘deserve it’ in some way, is an illusion so powerfully engrained in us.
And yet, the moment we become attached to anyone or anything, our natural energy which is love becomes distorted and replaced with feelings of fear that we now may lose love we ‘acquired’ or that we may not be worthy of that love. If we perceive a love as being lost, we experience the feelings of sadness, misery and anger.
This idea that we can have the ‘true love’ only if we work for it, if we ‘deserve it’ in some way, is an illusion so powerfully engrained in us.
Romantic Love & Suffering
How would I define love? The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English states; (1) Love is a strong feeling of fondness for another person, especially between members of a family or close friends; (2) Love is fondness combined with sexual attraction.
And it is this number 2, the sexual love, this romantic interest that creates most pain and discomfort in our lives. Although we all love (on some level) the basic question remains: do we really understand love? Do we really know what it means to truly love? Most of us simply misunderstand what love is. In fact, if we are ever confused about something, it is love we are most confused about. We claim to love, when we really mean we ‘desire’, ‘adore’, ‘lust after’ or ‘prefer’. Desire, adoration, or lust are not love. These feelings come attached with our unique conditions; we have ifs, we have becauses and we have buts.
Oh, how many times did I try to ‘isolate’ love, make it ‘exclusive’, attach it, make it mine, adopt it, possess it? Talking from my personal experience one of the mistakes we make is to confuse ‘true’ love with feelings of loss and suffering. The more we suffer, the greater that love appears to be in our mind. In the past, when my heart was broken the most I claimed to love the most. But how could this be love? How could I have called this LOVE?
And it is this number 2, the sexual love, this romantic interest that creates most pain and discomfort in our lives. Although we all love (on some level) the basic question remains: do we really understand love? Do we really know what it means to truly love? Most of us simply misunderstand what love is. In fact, if we are ever confused about something, it is love we are most confused about. We claim to love, when we really mean we ‘desire’, ‘adore’, ‘lust after’ or ‘prefer’. Desire, adoration, or lust are not love. These feelings come attached with our unique conditions; we have ifs, we have becauses and we have buts.
Oh, how many times did I try to ‘isolate’ love, make it ‘exclusive’, attach it, make it mine, adopt it, possess it? Talking from my personal experience one of the mistakes we make is to confuse ‘true’ love with feelings of loss and suffering. The more we suffer, the greater that love appears to be in our mind. In the past, when my heart was broken the most I claimed to love the most. But how could this be love? How could I have called this LOVE?
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
What is love???
LOVE. We write about it, we dream about it, we sing about it, we talk about it and we suffer because of it. Nearly everything in our life starts with love.
Falling in love is one of our most magical and powerful experiences. When we are in love we are unstoppable. Love is a force that makes everything seem so easy and effortless. Love can make us more loving, more forgiving, more tolerant. We are kinder, compassionate, fulfilled, content. But love can also make us angry, frustrated and discouraged and as a result we become bitter, disheartened and sad.
In the beginning of a relationship EVERYTHING seems so right. Each moment we spent with a new partner is unique and thrilling, each kiss is special and delicious, each conversation is enchanting and memorable, each contact is... well perfect. But soon we are brought down to earth.
The attraction is (hopefully) still there whilst infatuation is replaced with a reality of sharing your life with another human being. We start seeing the real person, we learn who they are and what they stand for. We try to understand their values, their goals, their desires, their worries, their fears. We start to learn about their make-up; we are discovering their blueprint. The ideal we had when we first met them is being replaced with a human being who is equally grumpy and cheerful, moody and settled, frustrated and relaxed.
As those weeks and months roll on and we settle into a cosy relationship, one day we find ourselves asking questions:
Do I want to spend the rest of my days with this person?
Is this ALL there is to love?
Am I making a mistake?
And the most ominous of all:
What if there is someone else out there that I haven't met yet who I am going to like more?
Falling in love is one of our most magical and powerful experiences. When we are in love we are unstoppable. Love is a force that makes everything seem so easy and effortless. Love can make us more loving, more forgiving, more tolerant. We are kinder, compassionate, fulfilled, content. But love can also make us angry, frustrated and discouraged and as a result we become bitter, disheartened and sad.
In the beginning of a relationship EVERYTHING seems so right. Each moment we spent with a new partner is unique and thrilling, each kiss is special and delicious, each conversation is enchanting and memorable, each contact is... well perfect. But soon we are brought down to earth.
The attraction is (hopefully) still there whilst infatuation is replaced with a reality of sharing your life with another human being. We start seeing the real person, we learn who they are and what they stand for. We try to understand their values, their goals, their desires, their worries, their fears. We start to learn about their make-up; we are discovering their blueprint. The ideal we had when we first met them is being replaced with a human being who is equally grumpy and cheerful, moody and settled, frustrated and relaxed.
As those weeks and months roll on and we settle into a cosy relationship, one day we find ourselves asking questions:
Do I want to spend the rest of my days with this person?
Is this ALL there is to love?
Am I making a mistake?
And the most ominous of all:
What if there is someone else out there that I haven't met yet who I am going to like more?
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
My Kind of Loving
When I love, I love. Or so, I think. I have no boundaries. No limitations. I become this sad, boring person willing to do anything and everything to please you. I give my all. If I love you, you can have everything - my time, my money, my possessions. If I love you, you can have access to ‘MY’ pretty much everything – my email account, my skype account, my mobile phone, my bank account, even my credit card account (now, why would you want that, honestly?).
If I love YOU - you can have e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! And more - seriously!
If I love you, I’ll take away your pain, your grief, your anguish, your hurts, your burdens, your upsets. If I love you, I’ll be your personal assistant dedicated to making sure that nothing is missing in your world. I’ll do my utmost to please you in every way imaginable. I know this may drive you away (and it probably will) – but I’ll do it anyway.
And I’ll do all that until I so tire of it that all I want is to get out and be by myself again so I can bring myself back. But why do I allow myself to get lost in this other person in the first place?
And, oh, I call it LOVE???
Could this really be love? Do I know how to love? Do I know what love actually is?
If I love YOU - you can have e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! And more - seriously!
If I love you, I’ll take away your pain, your grief, your anguish, your hurts, your burdens, your upsets. If I love you, I’ll be your personal assistant dedicated to making sure that nothing is missing in your world. I’ll do my utmost to please you in every way imaginable. I know this may drive you away (and it probably will) – but I’ll do it anyway.
And I’ll do all that until I so tire of it that all I want is to get out and be by myself again so I can bring myself back. But why do I allow myself to get lost in this other person in the first place?
And, oh, I call it LOVE???
Could this really be love? Do I know how to love? Do I know what love actually is?
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