The moment our intention is to take ‘love’, the natural energy of love becomes distorted and our heart fills with fear. The fear that we will not be enough or good enough to ‘deserve’ it, the fear that we may not be worthy of their love, the fear that we won’t know how to keep it if we do obtain it and the fear that we or them or both won’t live up to the expectations or the fantasy we created in our mind.
I am personally guilty of having a (very) high expectations and building unrealistic, romantic castles in the air. No wonder I came crashing down to Earth.
And yes, I've finally bid goodbye to my boyfriend.
Saturday, 13 August 2011
Degrees of Attachment & Infatuation
Love becomes unreal and stifled when is attached. Attachment is a relationship we have with someone or something which we have created in our imagination. When we become emotionally involved with someone our mind and our thoughts are coloured by the memories of their behaviour.
We remember everything about them; how they smile, how they walk or drive, what they say and how they say it. This process distorts the energy of our heart. We become infatuated or obsessed or both. We desperately need reassurance from the outside that we are worthy of love; that we deserve it. This illusion that love can only be obtained in the outside world makes us turn our world topsy-turvy.
We remember everything about them; how they smile, how they walk or drive, what they say and how they say it. This process distorts the energy of our heart. We become infatuated or obsessed or both. We desperately need reassurance from the outside that we are worthy of love; that we deserve it. This illusion that love can only be obtained in the outside world makes us turn our world topsy-turvy.
A Zone of Darkness
How many of us feel that by ‘getting’ who or what we want will fulfil our need for love? Once the ‘getting’ is accomplished we enter the zone of darkness. Instead of living in the light of love we live in the darkness of fear. We ‘attach’ ourselves to love in order to preserve, safeguard or keep the love we acquired.
This is the only way we are able to experience the feeling of love. But can fear of a loss of love live in the same space and time as true and real love? Can we call it love if we attach conditions to it at the same time? Is love just an illusion? An unreal state of being able to exist or survive only if certain conditions are assign to it? Is love worthy only if we have to work for it?
This is the only way we are able to experience the feeling of love. But can fear of a loss of love live in the same space and time as true and real love? Can we call it love if we attach conditions to it at the same time? Is love just an illusion? An unreal state of being able to exist or survive only if certain conditions are assign to it? Is love worthy only if we have to work for it?
Romantic Relationships Myth
There is a prevailing myth of romantic love (mostly fed to us by the media and entertainment industry) that love is ‘attachment with the one’ or ‘exclusive with the one’.
And yet, the moment we become attached to anyone or anything, our natural energy which is love becomes distorted and replaced with feelings of fear that we now may lose love we ‘acquired’ or that we may not be worthy of that love. If we perceive a love as being lost, we experience the feelings of sadness, misery and anger.
This idea that we can have the ‘true love’ only if we work for it, if we ‘deserve it’ in some way, is an illusion so powerfully engrained in us.
And yet, the moment we become attached to anyone or anything, our natural energy which is love becomes distorted and replaced with feelings of fear that we now may lose love we ‘acquired’ or that we may not be worthy of that love. If we perceive a love as being lost, we experience the feelings of sadness, misery and anger.
This idea that we can have the ‘true love’ only if we work for it, if we ‘deserve it’ in some way, is an illusion so powerfully engrained in us.
Romantic Love & Suffering
How would I define love? The Longman Dictionary of Contemporary English states; (1) Love is a strong feeling of fondness for another person, especially between members of a family or close friends; (2) Love is fondness combined with sexual attraction.
And it is this number 2, the sexual love, this romantic interest that creates most pain and discomfort in our lives. Although we all love (on some level) the basic question remains: do we really understand love? Do we really know what it means to truly love? Most of us simply misunderstand what love is. In fact, if we are ever confused about something, it is love we are most confused about. We claim to love, when we really mean we ‘desire’, ‘adore’, ‘lust after’ or ‘prefer’. Desire, adoration, or lust are not love. These feelings come attached with our unique conditions; we have ifs, we have becauses and we have buts.
Oh, how many times did I try to ‘isolate’ love, make it ‘exclusive’, attach it, make it mine, adopt it, possess it? Talking from my personal experience one of the mistakes we make is to confuse ‘true’ love with feelings of loss and suffering. The more we suffer, the greater that love appears to be in our mind. In the past, when my heart was broken the most I claimed to love the most. But how could this be love? How could I have called this LOVE?
And it is this number 2, the sexual love, this romantic interest that creates most pain and discomfort in our lives. Although we all love (on some level) the basic question remains: do we really understand love? Do we really know what it means to truly love? Most of us simply misunderstand what love is. In fact, if we are ever confused about something, it is love we are most confused about. We claim to love, when we really mean we ‘desire’, ‘adore’, ‘lust after’ or ‘prefer’. Desire, adoration, or lust are not love. These feelings come attached with our unique conditions; we have ifs, we have becauses and we have buts.
Oh, how many times did I try to ‘isolate’ love, make it ‘exclusive’, attach it, make it mine, adopt it, possess it? Talking from my personal experience one of the mistakes we make is to confuse ‘true’ love with feelings of loss and suffering. The more we suffer, the greater that love appears to be in our mind. In the past, when my heart was broken the most I claimed to love the most. But how could this be love? How could I have called this LOVE?
Wednesday, 26 January 2011
What is love???
LOVE. We write about it, we dream about it, we sing about it, we talk about it and we suffer because of it. Nearly everything in our life starts with love.
Falling in love is one of our most magical and powerful experiences. When we are in love we are unstoppable. Love is a force that makes everything seem so easy and effortless. Love can make us more loving, more forgiving, more tolerant. We are kinder, compassionate, fulfilled, content. But love can also make us angry, frustrated and discouraged and as a result we become bitter, disheartened and sad.
In the beginning of a relationship EVERYTHING seems so right. Each moment we spent with a new partner is unique and thrilling, each kiss is special and delicious, each conversation is enchanting and memorable, each contact is... well perfect. But soon we are brought down to earth.
The attraction is (hopefully) still there whilst infatuation is replaced with a reality of sharing your life with another human being. We start seeing the real person, we learn who they are and what they stand for. We try to understand their values, their goals, their desires, their worries, their fears. We start to learn about their make-up; we are discovering their blueprint. The ideal we had when we first met them is being replaced with a human being who is equally grumpy and cheerful, moody and settled, frustrated and relaxed.
As those weeks and months roll on and we settle into a cosy relationship, one day we find ourselves asking questions:
Do I want to spend the rest of my days with this person?
Is this ALL there is to love?
Am I making a mistake?
And the most ominous of all:
What if there is someone else out there that I haven't met yet who I am going to like more?
Falling in love is one of our most magical and powerful experiences. When we are in love we are unstoppable. Love is a force that makes everything seem so easy and effortless. Love can make us more loving, more forgiving, more tolerant. We are kinder, compassionate, fulfilled, content. But love can also make us angry, frustrated and discouraged and as a result we become bitter, disheartened and sad.
In the beginning of a relationship EVERYTHING seems so right. Each moment we spent with a new partner is unique and thrilling, each kiss is special and delicious, each conversation is enchanting and memorable, each contact is... well perfect. But soon we are brought down to earth.
The attraction is (hopefully) still there whilst infatuation is replaced with a reality of sharing your life with another human being. We start seeing the real person, we learn who they are and what they stand for. We try to understand their values, their goals, their desires, their worries, their fears. We start to learn about their make-up; we are discovering their blueprint. The ideal we had when we first met them is being replaced with a human being who is equally grumpy and cheerful, moody and settled, frustrated and relaxed.
As those weeks and months roll on and we settle into a cosy relationship, one day we find ourselves asking questions:
Do I want to spend the rest of my days with this person?
Is this ALL there is to love?
Am I making a mistake?
And the most ominous of all:
What if there is someone else out there that I haven't met yet who I am going to like more?
Tuesday, 18 January 2011
My Kind of Loving
When I love, I love. Or so, I think. I have no boundaries. No limitations. I become this sad, boring person willing to do anything and everything to please you. I give my all. If I love you, you can have everything - my time, my money, my possessions. If I love you, you can have access to ‘MY’ pretty much everything – my email account, my skype account, my mobile phone, my bank account, even my credit card account (now, why would you want that, honestly?).
If I love YOU - you can have e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! And more - seriously!
If I love you, I’ll take away your pain, your grief, your anguish, your hurts, your burdens, your upsets. If I love you, I’ll be your personal assistant dedicated to making sure that nothing is missing in your world. I’ll do my utmost to please you in every way imaginable. I know this may drive you away (and it probably will) – but I’ll do it anyway.
And I’ll do all that until I so tire of it that all I want is to get out and be by myself again so I can bring myself back. But why do I allow myself to get lost in this other person in the first place?
And, oh, I call it LOVE???
Could this really be love? Do I know how to love? Do I know what love actually is?
If I love YOU - you can have e-v-e-r-y-t-h-i-n-g! And more - seriously!
If I love you, I’ll take away your pain, your grief, your anguish, your hurts, your burdens, your upsets. If I love you, I’ll be your personal assistant dedicated to making sure that nothing is missing in your world. I’ll do my utmost to please you in every way imaginable. I know this may drive you away (and it probably will) – but I’ll do it anyway.
And I’ll do all that until I so tire of it that all I want is to get out and be by myself again so I can bring myself back. But why do I allow myself to get lost in this other person in the first place?
And, oh, I call it LOVE???
Could this really be love? Do I know how to love? Do I know what love actually is?
Yo-Yo Relationships
Is it me or is it them? Yes, this eternal question was, as always, baffling me.
I seem to play a yo-yo with my relationships. I give it all then back off. I give it all then retreat. Then I start thinking of breaking up and moving on. Then I regret such selfish thoughts and want to give it my all again. And so I go over and over in circles not knowing what is the right thing to do.
Surely, the right thing is the thing one wants to do, no?
If I am honest about it, I want to receive and give freely. With no boundaries, no hesitation, no dithering or restrictions. It may be telling that I start crying every time I concede that I’m not giving and receiving as I know and feel I deserve.
Long time ago I read that tears are the language of the soul. It that’s even remotely true then my soul lives in agony. It suffers in silence every time I deny myself a true, unconditional loving. For, what else are we supposed to do whilst here on Earth but to love?
I seem to play a yo-yo with my relationships. I give it all then back off. I give it all then retreat. Then I start thinking of breaking up and moving on. Then I regret such selfish thoughts and want to give it my all again. And so I go over and over in circles not knowing what is the right thing to do.
Surely, the right thing is the thing one wants to do, no?
If I am honest about it, I want to receive and give freely. With no boundaries, no hesitation, no dithering or restrictions. It may be telling that I start crying every time I concede that I’m not giving and receiving as I know and feel I deserve.
Long time ago I read that tears are the language of the soul. It that’s even remotely true then my soul lives in agony. It suffers in silence every time I deny myself a true, unconditional loving. For, what else are we supposed to do whilst here on Earth but to love?
Guarding One's Heart
Ever since Simon (that’s a story for a different blog), I’ve isolated my brave heart and put it in a secure, prison like building. Now, I’ve never been to prison and have never personally seen one to know what such a building looks like. I can only imagine what it must feel like with its secure enclosures, high walls and sober, stern looking wardens taking a guard. Yes, unfortunately, my heart is in prison so secure that even FBI would struggle to infiltrate it.
It may seem harsh or even unimaginable to most that I would confine my heart to such an unfriendly place, but when one’s heart bleeds and suffers as mine did during Simon’s reign, one is not prepared to allow it to happen again. So, these high walls and secure enclosures are some kind of self-preservation. Who else will protect my sanity if not I?
It may seem harsh or even unimaginable to most that I would confine my heart to such an unfriendly place, but when one’s heart bleeds and suffers as mine did during Simon’s reign, one is not prepared to allow it to happen again. So, these high walls and secure enclosures are some kind of self-preservation. Who else will protect my sanity if not I?
Friday, 14 January 2011
Who Am I Kidding?
Who am I kidding? We had a teeny fight last night (following which I had difficulty falling to sleep following which I woke up in the middle of the night). I wonder how would I react if we actually broke up? I'd probably be a real basket case.
But there again; would I rather be a basket case now or in a year’s time? With my biological clock ticking away, it is something I must seriously consider.
And the fight in case you are curious? Well, he asked me whether I'd like to go to Miami towards the end of February. I melted of course – it would be so cool to see Florida and Miami. No, I didn't accept although, admittedly, I was tempted. Instead, I told him I wasn't sure I'd make it to NY at all.
That send him off the rail – I could sense it in his voice. But, he was cool about it. And then, he called me first thing in the morning – his time zone.
Ah, men! Will I ever understand them?
But there again; would I rather be a basket case now or in a year’s time? With my biological clock ticking away, it is something I must seriously consider.
And the fight in case you are curious? Well, he asked me whether I'd like to go to Miami towards the end of February. I melted of course – it would be so cool to see Florida and Miami. No, I didn't accept although, admittedly, I was tempted. Instead, I told him I wasn't sure I'd make it to NY at all.
That send him off the rail – I could sense it in his voice. But, he was cool about it. And then, he called me first thing in the morning – his time zone.
Ah, men! Will I ever understand them?
Wednesday, 12 January 2011
Moving on - on My Terms
Finally, I’ve bought the air tickets for my brother and his wife. They will be arriving on the 31st January - on the same day that my boyfriend is leaving for New York.
Yet again.
The more I think about our relationship (and my boyfriend does tell me I think too much), the more I am convinced that I have to move on. The fact that he thinks it's a good idea I go to Croatia for a few months is telling enough. Of course I'll go - but on my terms. Let me see how much he likes that.
Oh, and I had a good news today – my application for a British citizenship has been approved.
Yet again.
The more I think about our relationship (and my boyfriend does tell me I think too much), the more I am convinced that I have to move on. The fact that he thinks it's a good idea I go to Croatia for a few months is telling enough. Of course I'll go - but on my terms. Let me see how much he likes that.
Oh, and I had a good news today – my application for a British citizenship has been approved.
Tuesday, 11 January 2011
The human touch is what I need
For someone without a job my diary is pretty full. Oh, jobs I get to do now; collect dry cleaning, send emails, contact credit card companies, transfer money over, sort out the issue with my oyster card, buy air tickets for my brother and his wife (my brother is coming over to help me sort out my flat :-)...
I don't know about you, but in my world everybody seem to have been born in January; Snjezana on the 7th, Ankica and Brian 9th, Martin 12th, Tom 14th, Mirjana 15th, Diana 19th and Mark 31st. WOW!!! I never realised how many friends I had and all born in the month of January. No wonder my facebook number swelled to a healthy 80. OK, it is not 336 like some of my friends but I'm not ashamed to admit it - I'm being selective. There I said it.
As for my boyfriend? Telephone conversation once a day seem to do the trick for him. I wonder if I can survive another 4 or even 5 months on a diet of a daily conversations to someone on another continent? As James sings in 'Out to get you' - the human touch is what I need, what I need...
Out to get you
I'm so alone tonight
My bed feels larger than when I was small
Lost in memories
Lost in all the sheets and old pillows
So alone tonight
Miss you more than I will let you know
Miss the outline of your back
Miss you breathing down my neck
They're all out to get you
Once again they are all out to get you
Once again
Insecure, what you gonna do
Feel so small they could step on you
Called you up, answering machine
When the human touch
Is what I need
What I need(X4)
Is you
I need you
Looked in the mirror, I don't know who I am anymore
The face is familiar
But the eyes, the eyes give it all away
They're all out to get you
Once again they're all out to get you
Here they come again (X8)
Insecure what you gonna do
Feel so small they could step on you
Called you up, answering machine
When the human touch
Is what I need
What I need (X8)
Is you (X6)
If you let me breathe (X5)
They're all out to get you
Once again
To get you
Once again
I don't know about you, but in my world everybody seem to have been born in January; Snjezana on the 7th, Ankica and Brian 9th, Martin 12th, Tom 14th, Mirjana 15th, Diana 19th and Mark 31st. WOW!!! I never realised how many friends I had and all born in the month of January. No wonder my facebook number swelled to a healthy 80. OK, it is not 336 like some of my friends but I'm not ashamed to admit it - I'm being selective. There I said it.
As for my boyfriend? Telephone conversation once a day seem to do the trick for him. I wonder if I can survive another 4 or even 5 months on a diet of a daily conversations to someone on another continent? As James sings in 'Out to get you' - the human touch is what I need, what I need...
Out to get you
I'm so alone tonight
My bed feels larger than when I was small
Lost in memories
Lost in all the sheets and old pillows
So alone tonight
Miss you more than I will let you know
Miss the outline of your back
Miss you breathing down my neck
They're all out to get you
Once again they are all out to get you
Once again
Insecure, what you gonna do
Feel so small they could step on you
Called you up, answering machine
When the human touch
Is what I need
What I need(X4)
Is you
I need you
Looked in the mirror, I don't know who I am anymore
The face is familiar
But the eyes, the eyes give it all away
They're all out to get you
Once again they're all out to get you
Here they come again (X8)
Insecure what you gonna do
Feel so small they could step on you
Called you up, answering machine
When the human touch
Is what I need
What I need (X8)
Is you (X6)
If you let me breathe (X5)
They're all out to get you
Once again
To get you
Once again
Monday, 10 January 2011
Dilemma
Well, since, my boyfriend is big with words but not with actions, I've decided to do my flat up, rent it out and go to Croatia (that's where I originally come from). The rent will cover my mortgage and I'll get to spend quality time with my family.
Only, I'm not sure what to do with my boyfriend? Should I break up with him and move on??? Or should I believe him when he tells me he loves me and weather the next few months by myself in London?
I miss my boyfriend but I keep asking myself: should I settle for little crumbs he serves me at the moment? I think I deserve more. And better.
Thoughts anyone?
Only, I'm not sure what to do with my boyfriend? Should I break up with him and move on??? Or should I believe him when he tells me he loves me and weather the next few months by myself in London?
I miss my boyfriend but I keep asking myself: should I settle for little crumbs he serves me at the moment? I think I deserve more. And better.
Thoughts anyone?
Should I stay or should I go?
You see, I lost my job in November. So, I'm not working and the prospects of finding a new job (in my profession that is) are slim to none (the government cancelled every road project it had in the pipeline which spelt disaster for anyone designing roads).
Basically, I’m living in my one bedroom flat in London, have no job and receiving £260 in job seekers allowance! And that is not even paying for my dry cleaning! OK, just joking with that one!
In plain language - nothing keeps in London since he moved to NY. I could easily rent my place out and join him. Right?
And that's where the catch is - he seems to want me there for a few days or a couple weeks between now and June - come for a long weekend he keeps asking me. I mean, what's wrong with him??? I'm in London doing nothing. I could be in NY - still doing nothing but at least being with him. Now, that would make sense - but not to my boyfriend.
So, now, I'm rightly asking myself - is this guy really into me? If he truly was would he suggest I join him?
Basically, I’m living in my one bedroom flat in London, have no job and receiving £260 in job seekers allowance! And that is not even paying for my dry cleaning! OK, just joking with that one!
In plain language - nothing keeps in London since he moved to NY. I could easily rent my place out and join him. Right?
And that's where the catch is - he seems to want me there for a few days or a couple weeks between now and June - come for a long weekend he keeps asking me. I mean, what's wrong with him??? I'm in London doing nothing. I could be in NY - still doing nothing but at least being with him. Now, that would make sense - but not to my boyfriend.
So, now, I'm rightly asking myself - is this guy really into me? If he truly was would he suggest I join him?
New York, New York
My boyfriend just moved to New York. New York is ... well amazing. That was my first impression when I visited NY in October 2010. So much has been said and written about NY - you either love it or hate it. And I love it. It helps that a man I love lives there. Of course.
But that just it. He tells me he loves me but...
And, when a woman has a 'BUT' she should be careful. Very careful indeed!
So, how much should I read into his big words? It seems it is easy for some men to say 'I love you' and 'I miss you'. OK, he tells all that (and more). But what does 'I miss you' really mean? Is it a big deal that he misses me (well, he should miss me, I'm a missible kind) but I can't help feeling that it is him who chooses to miss me!
But that just it. He tells me he loves me but...
And, when a woman has a 'BUT' she should be careful. Very careful indeed!
So, how much should I read into his big words? It seems it is easy for some men to say 'I love you' and 'I miss you'. OK, he tells all that (and more). But what does 'I miss you' really mean? Is it a big deal that he misses me (well, he should miss me, I'm a missible kind) but I can't help feeling that it is him who chooses to miss me!
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